Chasing Lovers that won't Satisfy – April 11, 2010

I wrote this close to a year ago - I just re-read it and am so thankful and humbled by how the Lord has worked in my life this past year! It excites me to read this and see the change He's done in my heart and to see He's keeping me broken over sin and when I become stagnant, He disciplines me - in love - and brings me out. Thankful I "stumbled" upon this and was reminded of His faithfulness.

Chasing lovers that won't satisfy...

That's what we do. We chase temporary unfulfilling lovers that are not meant to satisfy us, so therefore, never will. Only Jesus can.

"If we're to encounter the divine Presence, we must enter the interior sanctuary of our heart and, like Jesus in the temple, become indignant over what we find. There is no way to God but through the rubble. We must go through, not around, whatever keeps us from Him. The process is what spiritual people call brokenness and repentance" (Crabb).

With each passing day the Lord has broken me and made it more and more apparent how much of my time, thoughts, energy, emotion, and heart has been poured into the pursuit of earthly things that I have made ultimate in my life. My desires for good things (love, marriage, and children) and for selfish things (affirmation from man, physical beauty, cute clothes, and fun personality) quickly became idols in my life. I have chased and chased and chased these, only to be continually unsatisfied, discontent, guilty, frustrated, confused, hurt...

In Romans 1 the unrighteous person is described as one who "exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshipped and served the creature rather than the Creator” (vs. 25).

After I left College Station and moved here to Lewisville I remember praying the words of a Jeff Johnson song saying, "Ruin my life, the plans that I've made, ruin desires for my own selfish gain. Destroy the idols that have taken Your place until it's You alone I live for." My Jesus has done nothing short of this. He has ruined any earthly desire I have had and over the past few months have been incredibly faithful in replacing those desires with One so much greater: For Him.

In my reading of Shattered Dreams, I have wept as I have read my hearts yearnings and seen my thoughts portrayed. I have been pressed to know Jesus in such an intimate way that NOTHING in this earth could ever begin to explain it. "The Spirit's invitation to experience God appeals to something deeper than easily produced emotions. It appeals to a capacity of soul that many modern Christians have dried up through disuse, a capacity that carries us toward a higher dimension than mere emotions can reach" (Crabb). IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED!

In this book, Crabb tells the story of a man whose wife died and he is left hurting. He says this with passion, "Tears have become my deepest form of worship." Beautiful. I AM THERE! "When dreams shatter, we long to experience God's nearness in a way that dries our tears. Instead, deeper tears are released." I AM THERE. I am there and I am ever so thankful and grateful to weep in my Lover's arms at night, knowing me chasing Him DOES satisfy. Forever. That even if He says "no" to my earthly desires that seem to NOT GO AWAY, I can still trust Him. Even if I am thoroughly frustrated and hurt and screaming to Him to answer me, I can rest in Him. He has proven His passionate adoration of me. He has shown it in intimate ways that a husband never will, because HE IS MY HUSBAND (Isaiah 54:5). I will one day be with Him, eternally and passionately satisfied in ways that our minds cannot comprehend (or handle) because it is so great. I await that day with anticipation and joy.

Abandonment. What does it look like to completely and fully abandon yourself to Jesus Christ and HIS glory and will? What does it look like to take up your cross and follow Him? What does it look like to abandon and leave all in this life to be surrounded by the presence of Jesus Christ? "True abandonment, giving ourselves to God in utter dependence on His willingness to give Himself to us, pleads only mercy. It allows no room for control. It includes no claim on God that obligates Him to do anything. Only suffering has the power to bring us to this point" (Crabb).

He has brought me there. He has humbled me and brought me to my knees, releasing my false sense of control. He has removed any prideful idea of entitlement that I somehow thought I could maintain. He has shown me His undying love and mercy, in spite of my ever idol-chasing heart. He has brought me into His presence that is "gentle, imperceptible, dark, which evaporates if one tries to describe it...but which sustains life" (Iain Matthew). He truly, really, deeply SUSTAINS MY LIFE. It's entirely in His hands.

Bless the LORD, O my soul, and do not forget His benefits! He forgives your iniquity, He heals all your diseases, He redeems your life from the pit, He crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, and He satisfies you with good... (Psalm 103:2-4)

Jesus. You are enough. You hold my heart. You know my thoughts. You created me from the dust and You said it was GOOD. Jesus. You are enough. Your love sustains me. You redeem me. You pursue my heart and deeply desire to bless me. Jesus. You are enough. You do not withhold good from me. You give me all I need, and in Your love grant me the desires that press me into You. Jesus. You are enough.

Ah! Gentle and so loving
You wake within me, proving
that You are there in secret and alone;
Your fragrant breathing stills me,
Your grace, Your glory fills me
so tenderly Your love becomes my own.
- St. John of the Cross