Hello Bumble.
Hello Bumble.
Wait what… yes. Bumble. Hinge. Coffee Meets Bagel. Match. Oh, and there's a new one, United Young. Goodness, the unlimited options- where does the single gal in 2020 even start??
Online dating. Two words that make everyone feel something- don’t lie.
I’m giving it a go you guys. I've tried it before-and I didn’t like it at all and pledged to not ever do it again. Funny how that happens. 😅
In the spirit of courage and bravery, and with the encouragement of dear friends AND my counselor, I decided to give it a try again. It seems to be a very common route of meeting people, even more so in the days of COVID. I’ve been on it now for about 2 months and let me tell you… it is something else. A few things I have taken notice of the last few years, but more so as I was praying about and considering whether I wanted to dive into the online dating world again or not:
- Too many people (both married and single) have strong opinions about online dating that are not often grounded in any experience or fact- and those opinions need to be checked at the door with a strong dose of gentleness and compassion before they are expressed. It is scary and it is vulnerable to be single (especially the older you get) and say, “I long to be married. And I am going to walk in faith and put myself out there.”- and a way of doing that is through online dating. That has to be met with understanding.
- Because of the strong opinions out there, so many singles do online dating in solitude and fear, paired with deep embarrassment and shame. There’s nothing freeing about that. As the Church, we have to talk about this more, and we have to do it alongside other men and women who are faithfully following Christ. We need one another’s insight and wisdom, and no single man or woman should be approaching dating *of any kind* alone or in isolation.
- Online dating is something that needs to be approached with maturity, wisdom, discernment, community, and holiness- as you would in any form of dating. With my trusted friends -I share openly about my experiences, I screen shot conversations when needed, I text or call before and after dates, and I do not shy away from any questions that they ask me. I welcome push back and I invite feedback.
Where there is no guidance, a people falls,
but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.
Proverbs 11:14
As I continue to dive into the world of dating, I pray for a heart and a life that is driven and marked by love; that I would not approach any men with an air of superiority OR inferiority; but would see them as men made in God’s image, deserving and worthy of my respect and kindness. And if you don’t genuinely love and follow Jesus, I won’t date you. No ifs, ands, or buts. That should be a given, but so many men and women (who are oftentimes so weary of singleness) are willing to let that go for companionship- and that is absolutely devastating.
((Side note:
A LOT more needs to be said about that. If you are a single woman and you are dating, or considering dating, a man who does not follow Christ, please reach out to me. I will not judge you, but in love, I will show you a better way.))
On these secular online dating outlets, even when I set my preferences on lifestyle and religion, it’s not uncommon for me to come into contact with all sorts of men; some I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know and they are really good and godly men (and continue to be a great encouragement to me!), some who profess to follow Jesus (based on their profiles), and others who clearly have no interest at all in anything related to Jesus. But one common theme I am seeing is this: so many of these men are lonely. So so lonely. Loneliness and brokenness is rampant. I see men who are zealously trying to find a companion to fill their days because they are so weary and tired of being alone. And I know the profiles I see are windows into singleness at large. And I know as I've talked to so many of you single women, this is true of you.
And I get it.
- I’ve never had a date to a wedding; I would really enjoy that.
- I would love to have a special someone to spend the holiday’s with. That’s something I’ve dreamed of and prayed for for many years.
- I want to know I don't have to climb into my big bed alone.
- I deeply long for and desire a partner in ministry; someone who is running the race right there alongside me, looking to and pointing me and others to Jesus.
- I want a hand to grasp and a gaze to hold when I’m at a social gathering that makes me feel uncomfortable.
- I want someone to hug on the really hard days and someone to laugh with for no reason at all.
- I want to kiss someone just because I can.
- I want to know there’s someone I can choose to love, and someone who will choose to love me, even when we’re at our worst.
- I want someone who will make me want to love Jesus more.
- I want to be a momma, so much; to have the joy and honor, alongside a godly man, of raising little humans to be disciples and lovers of Jesus.
- And I could go on and on. I long for this; and I’ve prayed for it for many years.
So hear me when I say this, loneliness is something I understand intimately, and it’s where I have grieved deeply, but… and this is the catch; I have never ever known loneliness without the company of my Savior. And because of that, I truly am never alone, nor have I ever been alone. And for you who follow Jesus, this is also true of you. He has never failed you or been unfaithful to you. Ever. Loneliness has been the pathway for me to truly experience the depth of intimate communion with God, the tenderness of His love, and the fulfillment of HIM and His promises for all my hopes and dreams and longings.
And from the aches and pains of loneliness has birthed great life and joy, contentment and fulfillment. It is Him. It has always been Him, and it will always be Him. Nothing and no one else will ever compare to what is found in knowing and following Him. I love how Elisabeth Elliot talks about Loneliness in her book "Path of Loneliness."
Our loneliness cannot always be fixed, but it can always be accepted as the very will of God for now, and that turns into something beautiful. Perhaps it is like the field wherein lies the valuable treasure. We must buy the field. It is no sun drenched meadow embroidered with wildflowers. It is a bleak and empty place, but once we know it contains a jewel the whole picture changes.
And when, through a willed act we receive this thing we did not want, then Loneliness, the name of the field nobody wants, is transformed into a place of hidden treasure.
Elisabeth Elliot
Friends- this is TRUE. This is the remarkable work of redemption and restoration that Jesus does. Even in your loneliness, there is great joy to be had and gifts and treasures to be discovered; this joy and these gifts are not contingent on your circumstances working out the way you want them to, but on our great God who gives generously and graciously out of the abundance of HIS love and in the faithfulness of HIS character- the greatest gift being Himself.
And there is NO substitute for the intimacy and nearness of God.
If you are single and you don’t want to be- you long for love and companionship, you desire marriage and family- do not be ashamed of that. Do not hide in embarrassment or shame. Those are good and right things to long for. Share those longings with your trusted people. Confess them to God. In wisdom and holiness, get out there and date, online or not. Invite others into your dating. Ask Him to answer, to grant you these gifts you long for. But do all this under the *incredibly comforting and beautiful* truth that HE alone is God and His ways are always always wise and always good.
and my cup of blessing;
you hold my future.
The boundary lines have fallen for me
in pleasant places;
indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.
You reveal the path of life to me;
in your presence is abundant joy;
at your right hand are eternal pleasures.
Psalm 16:5-6, 11
All of these temporal longings in me and in you, on this side of eternity, are meant to point us to our greatest longing; God, and our forever home with Him. In every unmet desire, every unanswered prayer, every unfulfilled longing- there is great purpose. It is not the haphazard plan of a distracted, forgetful, unkind God, but is the loving plan of an incredibly intimate, kind, wise, all-knowing, good, and gracious Father who always always has what is best in mind for you and for me.
For the single longing for marriage, you have the opportunity to truly taste and see the goodness of God in the sufficiency of Christ- do not squander that opportunity. Christ IS sufficient to meet your every need and fulfill your every longing. That is not a far off statement or some perfect ideology that doesn’t actually fit in our culture- it is TRUE, forever.
Taste and see that the Lord is good.
How happy is the person who takes refuge in him!
You who are his holy ones, fear the Lord,
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about these words from Paul Tripp: "What has captured the wonder of our hearts will control the way we live.” I long, pray, and seek to have a heart that is captured by Christ. To live my days enraptured with the incredible work of the Triune God. And that THAT would control how I live. That would control how I approach singleness and dating. That would control how I view the men around me. If men capture my heart; if singleness plagues my soul; if dating causes my greatest anxiety- that is a sad replacement for what our great God has to offer; deep and eternal peace and joy.
- I pray that I- and you- regardless of our relationship status, would remember what is true; that we would always seek Christ first.
- I pray that a life of singleness would not plague us with fear or uncertainty, but rather joy and purpose as we consider the eternal wisdom and goodness of God.
- I pray we would, in our singleness, have hearts of deep joy and fortified faith; that each day would bring life and peace, not fear and the feelings of failure.
- I pray that our lives would always reflect the glory of our great God; and that we would, before anything else, long to live in such a way that shows the world that He is worthy of our hearts, our lives; that HE is our greatest treasure.
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