Shattered Dreams
My dreams have been shattered, and I have been left wanting nothing other than Jesus.
A friend recommended the book Shattered Dreams (Larry Crabb) to me - I couldn't wait to get it in the mail so I began reading it online. Within the first two pages I was weeping. Finally...finally my thoughts and feelings were articulated and written down on pages that I could read and read and read again. Pages full of Scripture and truth that has already pointed me, over and over, to the face of Christ.
Deep within me has always been the innate desire to love and be loved. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. We desire and seek acceptance in some form or another; whether it's in older role models because our parents never showed us love, friendships of the same sex because they never had that companionship, co-workers because we think we're failures, or the opposite sex because we've never been desired in an earthly way. The last one is, and always has been, my struggle. Since I was a young girl, all I've ever dreamed of and desired is to be a wife and mom. You can ask my mom, I "nursed" my babies as mom nursed my little brother, I played "house" for hours thoroughly entertained, I "married" a few of my little boy friends when I was 4, 5, 6 years old, I planned my entire wedding and childrens names and physical features by the age of 10. In one sentance, I have always been "in love with love." That is typical for a girl, more common than not...but a little difference for me that's more of a minority, it's never been "fulfilled." I never had that sweet 16 first kiss, the jitters because of that special date with that special guy, the unknowns of a relationship, the mystery of emotion/feeling/love. The older I got the more it became an "issue" that I hated talking about, or if I did talk about it I left it emotionless. But, as I search the depths of my heart, I am crushed. I've realized over the past year is that my earthly dreams have been completely shattered by the sovereign and righteous hands of my Jesus.
"What He's doing while we suffer is leading us into the depths of our being, into the center of our soul where we feel our strongest passions. It's there that we discover our desire for God. We begin to feel a desire to know Him that not only survives all our pain, but actually thrives in it until that desire becomes more intense than our desire for all the good things we still want. Through the pain of shattered lower dreams, we wake up to the realization that we want an encounter with God more than we want the blessings of this life. And that begins a revolution in our lives." (page 4)
I have placed so much of my identity and affirmation in man. I have believed I was ugly and undesireable because one guy didn't find me attractive, I have considered myself unworthy and unpursuable because one guy chose another girl over me, I have fallen prey to self-deprication and self-loathing because I couldn't get the attention of one guy...all the while Jesus has been there saying "you are all beautiful, My love, there is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:8) He has told me that "...the imperishable beautiful of a gentle and quiet spirit is, in God's sight, very precious." (1 Peter 3:4) He has whispered in my ear "Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name." (Isaiah 54:5) He has valiantly declared "Neither death nor life, nor angels nore rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from MY LOVE, in Christ Jesus, our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39)
C.S. Lewis said once, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."
I was made to be HIS. I am a sojourner. This world is simply a fleeting moment in time for me to proudly boast in my Jesus, my Lover, until I am eternally united with Him. I am NOT here to be fulfilled and find my satisfaction in a man, children, a stable income, a good house, comfort...It's all about Jesus.
In his writings Confessions, St. Augustine says this, "How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!...You drove them from me, You who are the True, the Sovereign Joy. You drove them from me and took their place, You who are sweeter than all pleasure."
Jesus has shattered my dreams, whether for the moment or for my time here on earth I do not know, but He has shattered them so that all I'm left with is HIM...and I am satisfied. As I lay in bed and weep I feel His arms circling me and telling me:
"I loved you before you ever loved Me."
"I am enough. I am enough. I am enough."
"I AM BETTER"
He is better my friends. He is so much better. In Christ is found a full and complete satisfaction/a joy that is indescribable...look at Scripture. Joy in Jesus surpasses all physical, emotional, and mental pain, persucution, suffering...His joy is supernatural and absolutely beautiful. It is by Him bringing me to the depths of my heart and disecting my idols and shattering my ideas and way of thinking that I have come to see this. It is really truly all about Jesus.
Rich or poor, God, I want You more than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire.
You can have all my hands can hold; my heart, mind, strength, and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire...
We have all we need in You.
I have tasted You, Jesus, and I want no other...
A friend recommended the book Shattered Dreams (Larry Crabb) to me - I couldn't wait to get it in the mail so I began reading it online. Within the first two pages I was weeping. Finally...finally my thoughts and feelings were articulated and written down on pages that I could read and read and read again. Pages full of Scripture and truth that has already pointed me, over and over, to the face of Christ.
Deep within me has always been the innate desire to love and be loved. I'm sure everyone can relate to that. We desire and seek acceptance in some form or another; whether it's in older role models because our parents never showed us love, friendships of the same sex because they never had that companionship, co-workers because we think we're failures, or the opposite sex because we've never been desired in an earthly way. The last one is, and always has been, my struggle. Since I was a young girl, all I've ever dreamed of and desired is to be a wife and mom. You can ask my mom, I "nursed" my babies as mom nursed my little brother, I played "house" for hours thoroughly entertained, I "married" a few of my little boy friends when I was 4, 5, 6 years old, I planned my entire wedding and childrens names and physical features by the age of 10. In one sentance, I have always been "in love with love." That is typical for a girl, more common than not...but a little difference for me that's more of a minority, it's never been "fulfilled." I never had that sweet 16 first kiss, the jitters because of that special date with that special guy, the unknowns of a relationship, the mystery of emotion/feeling/love. The older I got the more it became an "issue" that I hated talking about, or if I did talk about it I left it emotionless. But, as I search the depths of my heart, I am crushed. I've realized over the past year is that my earthly dreams have been completely shattered by the sovereign and righteous hands of my Jesus.
"What He's doing while we suffer is leading us into the depths of our being, into the center of our soul where we feel our strongest passions. It's there that we discover our desire for God. We begin to feel a desire to know Him that not only survives all our pain, but actually thrives in it until that desire becomes more intense than our desire for all the good things we still want. Through the pain of shattered lower dreams, we wake up to the realization that we want an encounter with God more than we want the blessings of this life. And that begins a revolution in our lives." (page 4)
I have placed so much of my identity and affirmation in man. I have believed I was ugly and undesireable because one guy didn't find me attractive, I have considered myself unworthy and unpursuable because one guy chose another girl over me, I have fallen prey to self-deprication and self-loathing because I couldn't get the attention of one guy...all the while Jesus has been there saying "you are all beautiful, My love, there is no flaw in you." (Song of Solomon 4:8) He has told me that "...the imperishable beautiful of a gentle and quiet spirit is, in God's sight, very precious." (1 Peter 3:4) He has whispered in my ear "Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name." (Isaiah 54:5) He has valiantly declared "Neither death nor life, nor angels nore rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from MY LOVE, in Christ Jesus, our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39)
C.S. Lewis said once, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world."
I was made to be HIS. I am a sojourner. This world is simply a fleeting moment in time for me to proudly boast in my Jesus, my Lover, until I am eternally united with Him. I am NOT here to be fulfilled and find my satisfaction in a man, children, a stable income, a good house, comfort...It's all about Jesus.
In his writings Confessions, St. Augustine says this, "How sweet all at once it was for me to be rid of those fruitless joys which I had once feared to lose!...You drove them from me, You who are the True, the Sovereign Joy. You drove them from me and took their place, You who are sweeter than all pleasure."
Jesus has shattered my dreams, whether for the moment or for my time here on earth I do not know, but He has shattered them so that all I'm left with is HIM...and I am satisfied. As I lay in bed and weep I feel His arms circling me and telling me:
"I loved you before you ever loved Me."
"I am enough. I am enough. I am enough."
"I AM BETTER"
He is better my friends. He is so much better. In Christ is found a full and complete satisfaction/a joy that is indescribable...look at Scripture. Joy in Jesus surpasses all physical, emotional, and mental pain, persucution, suffering...His joy is supernatural and absolutely beautiful. It is by Him bringing me to the depths of my heart and disecting my idols and shattering my ideas and way of thinking that I have come to see this. It is really truly all about Jesus.
Rich or poor, God, I want You more than anything that glitters in this world
Be my all, all consuming fire.
You can have all my hands can hold; my heart, mind, strength, and soul
Be my all, all consuming fire...
We have all we need in You.
I have tasted You, Jesus, and I want no other...
Absolutely beautiful, Rebekah. And for the record, you are a beautiful person. You're in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm going through something similar right now struggling to have children. We have 2 babies in heaven and none here in our arms. I'm watching my friends continually being blessed with children and it hurts. Jesus shattered my dreams too so that I would run to him. The pain we have to walk through is a refining fire that will transform us into spectacular beauties.
I'm so glad you've turned to him!
Bekah, this is so beautifully written. I went through the exact same journey before I got married. I had to fully hand it over and yet learn to still be hopeful. The Lord and His word has never been so near as then. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThis is a GREAT post. I suffered a lot of confusion before I met my husband; but I have watched a couple of friends now going through the exact same thing you're writing about - friends who've never ever had boyfriends, who are out in the world now and confused because what they thought God was preparing them for isn't happening. Even I am tempted to be angry for them because they're beautiful, special girls and I can't understand WHY they weren't snatched up years ago. But God's ways are mysterious, and his plans for us are the best for us. What great reflections on the satisfaction of Christ.
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